


mirrors

by withoutwords



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Flashbacks, M/M, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22125880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: Ben starts to type, merry christmas x, and stops.5 times Ben tries to talk to Callum, + 1 time Callum talks to him.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 38
Kudos: 122





	mirrors

**Author's Note:**

> apologies that this isn't answering one of the dozen prompts I have waiting for me! I just had this idea floating around in my head I had to get out. hope you enjoy (but please understand it's all just angst!) x

Ben starts to type, _merry christmas x_ , and stops.

The lights on his mum’s tree flicker, the reflection catching on the window. Outside he can hear people laughing, the faint sound of carols. Down at the pub his family’s getting together for dinner - Jay’s probably about to text him and ask him where he is.

He’s where he'd planned to be, he supposes. With his family.

It’s funny, though, how often the idea of that changes.

“ _So,” Callum had said awkwardly one night, playing with Ben’s buttons. “What’re you doing for Christmas?”_

_Ben tried not to laugh. “Oh, I donno. Over-eating, getting drunk, and watching The Annual Mitchell Christmas Barney. The usual. You?”_

_“Oh, um, I’m not sure, I’ll probably just tag along with Stuart to wherever he ends up, I guess, y’know - ”_

_“Oh my god,” Ben elbowed him in the guts, this time with a cackle. “As if you’re not coming with me you idiot.”_

_The flush across Callum’s cheeks had done stupid things to Ben’s insides, which only got worse when he muttered, “Shut up,” with a grin on his face._

_Ben tried to hide it with a kiss, but he’s not sure he was successful._

_“An honorary Mitchell at Christmas, hey?” Callum had muttered into Ben’s mouth, a hand around his neck._

_Ben closed his eyes. “Looks like it.”_

Ben pockets his phone and goes to meet his family.

*

Ben goes to write, _happy new year_ , but puts his phone away instead.

He’s disgustingly sober, sitting alone in a corner of The Albert with no one around to kiss him. It probably says a lot about the year to come - hiding from his trouble and waving men away and pretending he’s not waiting for his own phone to chime with a message.

At least the one message he’s waiting for. 

_“What’s the dumb face for?” Jay asked, distracted, as he came into the car lot. “Oh, wait, nevermind. You’re texting Callum.”_

_“Yeah, he sent me a photo of his -”_

_“Oh, geez, I don’t want to know!”_

_“New car!” Ben finished, turning his phone around to show him. “Bloody hell, get ya mind out the gutter.”_

_“He went and got a new car when his boyfriend owns a car lot?”_

_“We ain’t got what he needs,” Ben said with a shrug. “S’alright.”_

_Jay had abandoned the paperwork he’d been poring over to stare at Ben like he’d just grown an extra head._

_“What?”_

_“Nothing. I just didn’t think I’d see the day you’d let someone else take the lead in a relationship.”_

_“Oh, shut up.”_

_“I’m serious! You’re letting Callum be his own man, it’s good.”_

_Ben ignored him when his phone had beeped again, Callum sending him a string of emojis that made no sense, then a selfie of him blowing a kiss._

_He smiled, and sighed, and sent back his own._

Ben sits there alone a little while longer, nursing a beer and a quiet phone.

*

Ben almost sends a photo of Lexi on her first day back to school, and doesn’t.

Ben had tried to give her a braid, ‘like Elsa’, and she’s wearing a scarf that covers three thirds of her face, and her backpack makes her look like a turtle. Ben can’t wipe the grin off his face and he really wants to share it.

He really wants.

_“I lied to you, the other day,” Callum had told him at the cafe, fiddling with his coffee cup. “Me and Whit, we did talk about kids.”_

_“Oh yeah? Why didn’t you say?”_

_“Donno. Thought it might be weird.”_

_Ben pulled a face. “I have a kid, Callum. It ain’t weird.”_

_“No, I know, I just mean - whatever.”_

_“No, no, no,” Ben pushed, reaching over the table to put his hand on Callum’s. “You wanna talk about it, talk about it.”_

_“I just didn’t wanna be dishonest. I thought admitting I want kids might be a little … fast.”_

_“Well it’s not like you’re asking me to have them,” Ben joked, but his heart was beating a little faster, his collar felt a little tighter. “Besides, it ain’t hard to figure out, the way you are with Lexi.”_

_Callum’s smile was soft and kissable. “Yeah?”_

_“Course. You’ll make a great dad one day.”_

_Callum turned his hand to squeeze Ben’s fingers, and said, “Thank you,” like he’d never meant it more that in that moment. It was quiet and intimate and Ben felt himself getting trapped in it, with no intention of trying to get out._

_He squeezed back._

Ben takes Lexi to school, glad he can at least share it with her.

*

Ben wants to ask, _who’s the bloke?,_ but Lola tooks his phone away three drinks ago, and it’s probably for the best.

What would he be asking, anyway? What’s his name and how’d you meet him and is he just a friend, because it didn’t look like friends. Or maybe something worse, something selfish like, how much do you like him and did he take you home and did you let him touch you the way I did, once, and did you like it.

Or maybe he just wants to know, don’t you love me any more?

_“You really don’t think about it?” Ben had asked, back in the earlier days, the bedsheets twisted around them. “Other men, and what’d be like?”_

_“Why would I think about that?” Callum had sounded so offended, it had made Ben grin. “I have you.”_

_“I know, yeah,” Ben had agreed, straddling Callum where he was lied back in Ben’s bed, looking long and spent and sexy. “And if any bloke tried it on you I’d go nuts, that’s not what I mean. I just mean … fantasies.”_

_Callum just shrugged._

_“Come on, like, out of reach men. Captain America. Idris Elba. That Scottish bloke from Game of Thrones who you always shush me when he’s talking.”_

_“Richard Madden!” Callum protested._

_“That one!” Ben said, and then realised Callum looked shy. He laughed. “See! You do think about that stuff.”_

_“So? What’s it matter. I don’t talk about that kinda thing.”_

_“But you can,” Ben insisted. “You’re allowed to do all that, now. Think about it, talk about it.”_

_“Alright, fine,” Callum groaned, sitting up to get his arms around Ben before getting him onto his back. “But do we have to talk about it right now? Huh? Or can we do something else?”_

_“Fine, fine,” Ben wrapped his arms and legs around Callum, kissing at his smile. “But if you ever meet the hot Scot you’re inviting him back here, deal?”_

_“Deal,” Callum agreed, then stopped smiling to kiss Ben properly, clawing at his skin._

_In truth, it was fantasy enough._

Ben doesn’t text, and he doesn’t ask around, and he crosses his fingers and hopes he never has to find out.

*

Ben does send, _I’m sorry_ , and it’s the dumbest thing he’s ever done.

The list of things he’s sorry for are endless. He’s sorry about his name, and sorry he grew up this way, and sorry he had to meet Callum the way he did - not keeping his promises and not being the guy Callum needed and not knowing what the right thing was, or how to do it, or even if he could.

Callum was the only person in his life that thought Ben was better.

And Ben’s sorry he couldn’t prove him right.

_“Sorry,” Ben had said with a sigh, falling into the couch. “It was a bad day, I shouldn’t take it out on you.”_

_“S’alright,” Callum told him, pulling him into his side, kissing the top of his head. Ben knew it wasn’t, but he didn’t argue. He buried his face in Callum’s shirt and breathed him in. “Wanna talk about it?”_

_“Not really.”_

_“Okay. You know you can if you want. About anything.”_

_“Yeah. I know.”_

_Callum held on to him tighter, and Ben moved in close, and it was hard to tell whose limbs were whose and if he’d ever want them back. “I’ll tell you a story instead,” Callum said softly, Ben feeling his breath at the top of his ear._

_“Sounds good.”_

_“Well, this lady came into the parlour today, and she was carrying this box.”_

_“Oh Jesus,” Ben said, and it made Callum giggle._

_“Wait, wait, wait, let me tell it.”_

_“Okay.”_

_Ben would always remember that night. The two of them curled together on one end of the couch, the lights low and their bodies rumbling with their laughter. Later Callum would take Ben to bed, and pull him apart, and he’d finally feel whole again, clinging and heaving and begging._

_It was beautiful._

Ben’s sorry. But that’s just a five letter word.

His grief was too much to say.

*

Callum sends, _it’s too late for that_ , and Ben wipes away a tear.

He'd told Callum he would be ruined. But Ben understands the truth now. What happened when he'd walked away from Callum.

He's just gone and ruined himself. 

**Author's Note:**

> thefancyspin.tumblr.com


End file.
